Movie Review #9 Couple's Retreat

     Well, I went in with extremely low expectations, and this movie did not even reach my already low expectations. I went in thinking it would be mediocre at best, but no, it was beyond mediocre, it was beyond horrendous, it was... appalling. I admit there were a few laughs to be had, but most of them weren't THAT funny, and you could really tell where they meant for people to be laughing cause there is a deliberate pause in some lines that indicates where laughter is usually expected... but it wasn't funny, so no one laughed.
     So basically these four couples, I forget the names of... actually now that I think of it, almost ALL of them [I think one of them was Jason and another was Joey, but I really don't remember (there were 8 main characters total!)]. Completely forgettable characters, unfunny jokes, etc. are what made this movie so bad.

Bottom Line: Terrible. Horrendous. Utter crap. Appalling.

Rating: 3/10

Movie Review #8 Premonition

     Hmm. I'm trying to think of a word that describes this movie and that isn't an obscenity in all capital letters. Ok let's go with horrendous. So the movie starts out with lots of open questions, I bet there will be a great ending that answers at least some of them... right? WRONG. This movie builds, and builds up, to nothing. It starts out pretty well, then it gets better, and better, but then it goes downhill, very, very fast. Like fast enough to make it make next to no sense. If you waste your time with this movie you will enjoy it for the first half or so, and then realize that the ending you are expecting is never going to come. And it never does, it could have EASILY saved itself with a better ending, but it doesn't. You never get your questions answered, you never see a real ending, at all! It's just wrong, wrong wrong wrong.
     So it starts out with a woman, whose name I forget [mostly due to the fact that she was a completely forgettable character]. So the woman wakes up on Thursday morning and drops her kids off at school, and then goes home... and finds out that her husband died in a car crash. So shes all sulky and then she goes to bed, and wakes up on... Monday [the Monday before when she woke up]?! So she wakes up on Monday... just bare with me, and she sees her husband... alive. And she is just SO SMART that she doesn't even tell anyone about her completely insane "dream". Now if you thought your spouse was DEAD, and you wake up and see them alive and then pretend everything is honky dory... then you'd be an idiot. Oh and don't forget that you shifted back in time... so basically she's a complete imbecile. Then she wakes up every morning on a different day, and finally she wakes up on the day he's supposed to die, and she goes to try and help him out and make him not die. And, well I'll ruin the ending cause I really hope you won't waste your time with this movie anyway. He dies anyway basically because of her, and then the big finale you've all been waiting for? She wakes up like a few months from then, her husband is in fact dead, and she turns and shes pregnant. THE END. Wow what a great ending, and on top of being so good it also made a WHOLE LOTTA SENSE. *intentional sarcasm*
 
     Bottom Line: DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME!
Rating: 3/10

Movie Review #7 Zombieland

     Wow. Really thats the best word for this movie. Go in with high expectations... and you won't be disappointed! I went in with very high expectations, although I was prepared for the worst [just in case], and it turned out that it was everything I wanted it to be. Funny and just an overall GOOD zombie movie, there aren't many good zombie movies, and even fewer that strive for comedy. The only reason I can think of for someone to not enjoy this movie is if they either 1. don't have a sense of humor, or 2. don't like zombies. If you can stomach gore, then go see it even if you don't like zombies. If you don't have a sense of humor... then I'd stay away from it, simply because the less of you humorless people that go to see it, the less bad reviews there will be. I am pretty sure that the only BAD reviews are from people who either went in thinking it was supposed to be complete horror, or someone with a stick shoved very far up... Ok I'm rambling, but thats just because of how much I liked the movie and how much I have to say for it in defense.
     SO. The movie starts out with Columbus, the skinny, geeky looking guy. He starts reading off his little set of rules for surviving in Zombieland, and we see a small demonstration of why they work. Remember these rules because they will literally pop up at certain times in the movie. This sounds like it could be irritating, but its used in an ingenious comic fashion that made the movie all the better. So Columbus is surviving from the zombies really well, and then he meets the gruff Tallahassee, who has a liking for twinkies and big guns. They start traveling together thinking they're the last ones alive on Earth, until they meet Little Rock and Wichita. The four of them start heading for a place called Pacific Playland, where supposedly there are no zombies. So thats the gist. Doesn't sound all that amazing now that I read over that explanation, but believe me, there are many flashback type moments, and a ton of parts meant purely for laughs [Which will have you laughing pretty consistently].
     There wasn't really anything that I DIDN'T like, which is pretty rare, because I find flaws in everything. The only movies I haven't found a flaw with are this and Spirited Away, which is... well, the antithesis of Zombieland. But anyway, the acting isn't bad but it also isn't EXTRAORDINARY, but it doesn't need to be spectacular for a movie like this anyway. The music used fits the genre well, the gore level was surprisingly high, so people with weak stomachs wait until like the first 15 minutes are over and then go in [Almost all the gore happens right in the beginning]. The idea is amazing, the computer animation is great. And on top of it all, it is really, really funny. I saw Shaun of the Dead, and it was funnyish but Zombieland actually makes you laugh out loud, very loudly out loud as a matter of fact.
    So the bottom line is: Go see this movie if you are in one of the following categories:
-You like zombies
-You like laughing
-You need oxygen to live...
Okay I think that covers everyone, so go see it RIGHT NOW

Rating: 10/10 *see above.*

Movie Review #6 Saw 3

     I bought Saw 3 on Friday seeing it for a cheap price at the video store, and only having seen Saw 5. So I did not know the story thus far, so it started out being confusing, but it was still surprisingly easy to understand and enjoy. The movie starts off with a man with his foot in a shackle. He also has a hand saw, and he must saw through his foot. He chooses the alternate way of escaping and smashes his foot with a large slab of rock, cracking the bone... a lot. He then procedes to twist his foot so he can get out of the shackle and escape. So as you can see, this movie is NOT FOR CHILDREN, its seriously gory and the psychological ideas would be too much for them to understand anyway.
     The movie shifts back and forth between the main character of the series, Jigsaw, who is very sick and on his death bed, and the main character of the movie, ... I forget his name. But basically, the main character of the movie's son was hit by a car, and as he goes through a warehouse he has to either save, or let die, the people who wee involved with his son's death. The first one is a woman who witnessed the accident, but didn't testify,  the second the judge that sentenced the perpetrator to only 6 months, and the third, obviously, the man who actually killd his son. This tests the main character's ability to forgive or to be vengeful. The concept of the Saw movies are always interesting in the sense of seeing how people will interact when under pressure, and when they have a lot of hatred toards another person. While the main character is going through the warehouse, Jigsaw has abducted a good doctor to help hm survive if possible.
     So as you can probably tell, the saw movies, or at least Saw 3, have much more story and substance than most people give them/it credit for. the story is good and interesting. The gore is very... gory, and the acting is for the most part pretty bad, but in a movie like this it isn't always important to have good acting since most of the people just die anyway.
     I liked this saw much better than the 5th one, so if you want to see a scaryish movie, or if you want to see one of the Saw movies, I would reccommend this one.

Rating: 6.5/10 (If you like horror, go for it. If not, then don't rent it.)